Warning! Tasteless Joke!

I first found this oh, about 20 years ago, at realbeer.com. I've re-read it many times since then, and it always makes me laugh.

It's hard to believe there are so many ways to say "vomit".

Vomit dictionary

 A
abdominable voorheaves 
air the diced carrots (Gerd R., student.tuwien.ac.at)
alan's Psychedelic Breakfast (booda@navo.navy.mil)
animate throat-missles (mac1005.kip.apple.com)
anti-poop (mac1005.kip.apple.com)
arf (ddmodell@mailbox.syr.edu)
B
backwards bungee (slip200.sirius.com)
bad caugh (George Hau, mail.ast.cam.ac.uk)
barf
bark at ants
barking turkey (montan.dsava.com)
belch chasers (stei0302@cs.fredonia.edu)
big spit (newspig)
bit spit (garden.ucop.edu)
blanch (absolut.osf.org)
blevis (slip21.uniserve.com)
blow
blow beets
blow bile (tbyte.com)
blow breakfast
blow chow
blow chowder (aurp1a.aur.alcatel.com)
blow chunks
blow cookies (bongo.bos.locus.com)
blow din-din
blow doughnuts
blow foam
blow groceries
blow lunch
blow your eats (slip141.tus.primenet.com)
blue chip special (mark_brittell@omis.edu)
bhluuuugh (?)
boke
boot
boot camp 
bow down before the porcelain god
bowel backup (emcindoo@stimpy.acofi.edu)
brack
bring it up for a vote
brown-nose it
buick 
burping bits (PJ Lindsay)
buy my buick
C
cack (Jeff Gerstmann)
call buicks
call dinosaurs
call for huey
call the elephants (infoserv.utdallas.edu)
call to the seals (arrrrrr aaarrrrrrrrrr)
call uncle ralph
call ralph on the big white telephone (Dan Tasman)
calling jacob (dglass@inmind.com)
carl earl (tbyte.com)
call (by telphone) the holy Urlich (the sound made while vomiting) (carljk@algonet.se)
catch it on the rebound
chandu (rchandra%hss@lando.hns.com)
Cheektowaga scream (Dan Tasman)
chuck a pizza
chuckle (regmap2.dme.nt.gov.au)
chum (Aaron, buccaneer.snm.com)
chunder
chunderspew
chunderspew
clean house
clearing your throat the easy way (rap@hooked.net)
churn (avon.x.co.uk)
commode hugging
cookin' for the cafeteria (lemma.res.jhu.edu)
copiously cough one's cookies (tbyte.com)
coughing chunks (next30-17.dev.oclc.org)
curl and hurl (tbyte.com)
D
decorate pavement
deliver street pizza
den heiligen Ulrich anrufen (carljk@algonet.se)
disgorge
divulge dinner
don ho heave (cuchulainn.stsci.edu)
drain the main
dribble phlem
drive the porcelain bus
drop chowder (Ilsae@echonyc.com)
dry boke
dump core (montan.dsava.com)
E
earl 
eating backwards (Tom Silva)
effusing the night's excess (tbyte.com)
F
facial diarrhea (Adam_Fukushima@engr.arc.nasa.gov)
fecal burp (Rich Haddock, novell.com)
feed the birds (pc101.siba.fi)
feed the fish, ducks
feed the houseplants
feed your young
fertilize the sidewalk
fill up the Tory swimming pool (George Hau, mail.ast.cam.ac.uk)
fling floor pie (chardonnay.harvard.edu)
food escape! (Dave @derby.ac.uk)
food flight (onet2.cup.hp.com)
fubar (voon.ee.cooper.edu)
G
gack
gag
get a refund on your lunch (jayg@sccsi.com)
give an oral sacrifice at the altar of the porcelain god
go to europe with ralph and earl in a buick
growling splash monkey (hale-mac36.wa.com)
H
hack it out (hake.cs.washington.edu)
hack'n bile (hake.cs.washington.edu)
hack some stew (veloce.pica.army.mil)
have a school lunch rerun (e8925292@student.tuwien.ac.at)
ham hawking (PJ Lindsay)
hawk (garden.ucop.edu)
heave 
heccccchluuug (Gary Love, raven.csrv.uidaho.edu)
hiccup from hell (mdexter.tiac.net)
hock up a furball (krypton.che.ilstu.edu)
honk (dave_oshea@wiltel.com)
hooverin' (Jeff Meade)
horfing it up (170.110.200.124)
hork
huey
hug the porcelain wishing well
hurl
hurling projectile material with or without chunks (ELLEN HANRAHAN)
I
induce antiperistalsis
inverse gut
involuntary personal protein spill
J
jump shot
K
kissing the can (Brent Sonnek-Schmelz) 
kotsen/kotzen (oscar@gewis.win.tue.nl) 
kneel before the porcelain throne
L
lap lung butter (ceth.princeton.edu)
lateral cookie toss
laugh at the carpet
laugh at the lawn
laugh at your shoes (voon.ee.cooper.edu)
launch lunch
leave lunch
liquid laugh
liquid scream
liquidate your assets
look for o'rourke
lose flourescent christmas cheer
lose some chopped carrots
lose weight
lose your lunch
lunch
lurch (cha.j.y%wec@dialcom.tymnet.com)
M
make a (technicolor) tribute to disney
make an offering to the porcelain god
make chowder (tbyte.com)
make a crustless pizza (greg@illustra.com)
make food offerings to the china gods
make pavement asterisks (perogy.cs.umanitoba.ca)
make the oatmeal hit the wall (dmiller.prentrom.com)
meet my friends ralph and earl
mug the hurpey (laser.2@osu.edu)
multi-colored yawn (Bob Torres, tsppp10.cac.psu.edu)
N
negative chug
O
offer a sacrifice to ralph, the porcelain god
order buicks over the big white phone
organ recital (c00805-247dan.eos.ncsu.edu)
organic output
out of stomach experience (regmap2.dme.nt.gov.au)
P
parbreake
pavement pizza
paint one's trousers (194.20.36.52)
paint the back seat (voon.ee.cooper.edu)
park a tiger (dcrodjers.bt-sys.bt.co.uk)
park a buick (jax.jaxnet.com)
plant beets
play the whale (regmap2.dme.nt.gov.au)
pop a gastric zit (tbyte.com)
porcelain projectiles (Ken Williamson)
pour one's overindulgence (tbyte.com)
povracati (ivana@mit.edu)
power barf
power boot
pray at the porcelain altar
pray to the porcelain goddess
pray to the porcelain gods 
praying to the porcelain princess
preach it to the congregation (batespc1.interbase.borland.com)
prepare dinner for a racist (George Hau, mail.ast.cam.ac.uk)
projectile style (garden.ucop.edu)
protein spill
psychadelic spit
puke
Q
quake one's gizzard (tbyte.com)
quease (tbyte.com)
R
rainbow fountain (ddmodell@mailbox.syr.edu)
rainbow kiss (bonkers.neosoft.com)
regurgitate
ralph
read the toilet
recycle your lunch (stei0302@cs.fredonia.edu)
regurgitate
retch
return the tripe (n.jacklin@hud.ac.uk)
reverse diarrhea
reverse drink
reverse gears
reverse gut
reverse peristalsis
ride the regurgitron
rope på elgen --- Norwegian: call the moose (wikne@lynx.uio.no)
round trip meal ticket
S
screaming at the ants (192.215.42.2)
scream cookies
sell a buick
sell cars (fooooorrrrd!!! buuuuuuiiiccccckkkk! hyuuuundai!!!!)
shaq-fu (sparky)
shout at your shoes
shout europe at the sink
shouting to Huey and Ralph
shunder (sean@vinny.csd.mu.edu)
shpew (ts3-30.upenn.edu)
sing lunch
sing psychedelic praises to the depths of the china bowl
sing to the sink
slam barf
snarf (aka: vomit via nasal passages) (veloce.pica.army.mil)
sneeze cheeze
sneeze chunks
soul coughing (netcom2.netcom.com)
spew
spew chunks (Matthew, snm.com)
spew snacks
spew spuds
spew the wild oats (ronald.tozzie@industry.net)
spill the groceries
spill your life story (sunlab45.essex.ac.uk)
spit cheese (tbyte.com)
splash your hash (ttacs3.ttu.edu)
split pea spew (slagdor@crl.com)
stomach overflow error (wsbusup4@urc.tue.nl)
sprout (rum.ee.umanitoba.ca)
T
talk to god on the big white telephone
talk to huey down the big white telephone.
talk to john on the porcelain telephone
talk to ralph on the big white telephone
talk to rrraaalllfffff on the camode-a-phone
talk to the carpet
talk to your shoes (Jeff Gerstmann)
taste dinner
tastes even better the second time (trentu.ca)
taste lunch twice (Jjperry@cs.ucla.edu)
technicolor yawn 
technicolor yodel
the big spit
the brooklyn mating call
the jersey yodel
throw dinner
throw up (voter-classroom-ethernet-11.middlebury.edu)
throw your voice (regmap2.dme.nt.gov.au)
thunder-chunder rainbow parfait
toilet bowl love (Brent Sonnek-Schmelz) 
toss your cookies
toss your tacos
turn your guts inside out (silva) 
tuna salad swimming upstream (cithe308.cithep.caltech.edu) 
U
uebergeben (tar_ddkc@aix1.danadata.dk)
uke (from my husband,bill @ kitkat.admin.utk.edu)
ulrik (tar_ddkc@aix1.danadata.dk)
un-eat
upchuck
V
vector-spew
visible burp (mitchell@ug.cs.dal.ca)
vomit
W
warhol wail (kburchil@gtis.gc.ca)
waste good beer (zeus.cooper.edu)
whistling beef (skeezics@teleport.com)
wolf
woof 
worf (BucsknBrns@aol.com)
worship at the porcelain altar
worship the porcelain god
worhip ralph at the great procelain throne (George Dorn)
wretch 
wyatt erp (cuchulainn.stsci.edu)
Y
yak
yark (Shan)
yatch 
yawn for the hearing impaired (micro5.microbiol.washington.edu)
yeech
yell at the ground
yell for hughie
yodel (ntssun2.ug.eds.com)
york
yorkel (phobos.rm.fccc.edu)
yorp (lan10.ec-nantes.fr)
yuke

A New Brewer

Last night, I delivered my birthday gift to my niece, and we immediately got into making her first beer, a pale ale.

Here's the recipe, for a 1 gallon batch.

======================
1 lb light malt extract
8 oz 40L crystal malt
1 oz Willamette hops (3.5% AA) (split, 1/2 bittering, 1/2 dry hopped)
1 pkt dry English ale yeast
======================

A simple recipe, but it should be a delicious beer.

First, she brought 1 1/2  quarts of water to a boil, turned it off, and added the crystal malt. This was allowed to steep for about 20 minutes or so.

Then, this was strained into a larger pot, the malt was added (rinsing out the container thoroughly), water was added to bring it to just below a gallon. One half the hops were added, with the other half being added to the fermentation jug.

The wort (unfermented beer) was brought to a boil. I always tell new brewers (and, if you've made beer, you know this) this is probably the most critical phase of the process. DON'T LEAVE THE POT! When the boil starts, it will boil over very quickly, so it must be watched constantly.

When it started to boil, we removed it from the heat, lowered the heat, and put the pot back on. We had to repeat this a couple of times, until we got a stable, gentle boil.

After boiling for an hour, it was cooled in an ice water bath in the sink, to just under 100 deg. F. Then, it was poured into the fermenter, and lukewarm water was added to about the gallon mark.

The dry yeast was poured in, the stopper put on, and the length of tubing placed into a bottle half-filled with water, as an airlock.

Now, we wait a week, and bottle.

A birthday gift

For my niece, whoa wants to learn to brew, I put together this little kit, to  brew a gallon of pale ale.

I'm really pleased with how this came together.

Getting Started, Cheaply

My niece just celebrated a birthday. She had been making noises recently about learning to brew. If you follow this blog and/or my podcast, you know I'm all about low start-up cost.

So, I applied  what I knew, and put together a complete, 1-gallon homebrew kit.

Here's what's in it:

1- gallon fermentation jug
drilled rubber stopper
7 feet vinyl tubing
racking cane
bottlefiller
4 1-liter plastic bottles, w/caps
ingredients for 1 gallon of pale ale

The total cost for this came to $28.80, plus shipping. I think this will di nicely to get someone started. And, you cannot beat the price.

My new beer

So, Here's my stout for our competition St Patrick's Day. Can't wait to try it!
==================================

I just had to add this update. I couldn't wait to try it. It had only been bottled for a day. It hadn't carbonated completely. The yeast hadn't settled.

But, it was delicious. The coffee and chocolate were detectable as subtle background flavors, which was exactly what I wanted. My home-roasted barley worked out great, adding terrific jet-black color, and (I think) contributed to the "stouty" character of the beer.

Now, I still may not win our little competition. But, at least I have a beer I can be proud to enter.

Oops!

So, I just found out that my last few podcasts never actually went out. I was talking, but only to myself.

Ain't technology wonderful? Well, I worked on my system for a couple of hours, and I THINK I solved the problem. I'll listen to myself as soon as the 'cast is posted, to see if in fact I did fix anything.

Hopefully, I'm not a complete idiot.

A plea for help

I've mentioned several times that I've been brewing for, well, awhile. Way back when I was first starting, the best brewing resource there was, was The Homebrew Digest. It's an online discussion group of the old type. The delay between your question or comment and a reply could be as much as a week, since it's all by email.

But, any and every question got answered, and the technical discussions, though they often went way over my head, often taught me something.

Now, we're in a world that wants everything NOW! The Digest is really just a shadow of it's former self. It may pass away. I understand that. Nothing lasts forever, no matter how much we wish it would.

But, on the other hand, I won't just stand by and watch it happen. If it goes, Okay. But, I intend to do what I can to keep it here.

I was able to give a small donation to help with operating expenses. However, as was pointed out to me by one of the Digest's maintainers, what it really needs is activity.

The Homebrew Digest needs to become part of the brewing scene again, not an interesting piece of history. I truly think there's still a place for a slower, more low-key type of discussion that the email delay would naturally produce.

So, I would implore you. Go to http://hbd.org. Subscribe to the Digest. It doesn't cost you anything, and they've always done all they can to make it spam-free. Participate. Ask questions. Share your knowledge and experiences.

And finally, if you can spare the funds, donate. There are no sponsors. No one underwrites this effort. The HBD is totally dependent on the generosity of its subscribers, and that is where part of the problem is.

So, please. At least go to the site and read some of the older Digests. You may find it's just what you're looking for.

New Frontiers

Well, I just ordered brewing supplies, and I've decided to try something new. After making beer for over 23 years, I'm surprised I can still say that.

I'm going to try my first-ever sour beer, a Berliner Wiesse. According to my software, I come out a bit too strong, and just a tad too hoppy. But, if it tastes like I'm aiming for, it should be good.

One article on the style called it "the most refreshing beer ever developed". That's exactly what I want.

At the same time, I want to tackle my breakfast cereal experiment again. I'm again making a 1-gallon porter, and adding 3 cups of cereal. Now, I've tried this three times, without great success. The first time produced way too much sediment, and the next two resulted in exploding bottles.

I've brainstormed with myself, and have come up with a couple of adjustments to my process. I think what happened was that I wasn't getting all the cereal in solution, so the enzymes couldn't access the starches, resulting in incomplete conversion.

So, now I'll grind up the cereal, and boil it for a few minutes, before adding it to the mash. Either it'll work, or I'll learn something else.

Update, apology, etc.

First and foremost...I've been busy. I'm now officially retired, and the whole process of not working anymore is a little more complicated than just not getting in the car every day. But, that's all behind me, and I can now devote myself to more important things, like beer.

One nice thing about retirement is that I have a steady income, and LOTS of free time. The best part of that is that my beer cabinet is back up to capacity.

I've made an English mild ale, a spiced winter ale, a porter, my first ever Imperial IPA, an I now have fermenting a mocha stout.

The stout has a story. My niece, Emily, for the last few years, has hosted a family party for St Patrick's Day. She makes and Irish stew, with stout in the gravy. Last year, she asked me to brew a stout just for the event. I was happy to do so.

During the past year, the wheels started turning in my head. My son and nephew both brew, so why not have a little friendly competition for next St Paddy"s Day? They both agreed, my daughter-in-law asked in, so now the four of us are competing for the right to have their stout included in that night's stew.

We're calling it The St Patrick's Day Stout Smackdown, and a friend of ours, Will Siss, who writes a column for the local paper called The Beer Snob, has agreed to be judge for our little competition. Will also has an online blog at http://willsiss.com, or http://drinkreadlive.blogspot.com/

The actual lineup of beers promises to be very interesting. I'm making a mocha stout, coffee and chocolate, my son is making one flavored with oak chips, my nephew plans to flavor his with bacon, and my son's wife will be using vanilla chai.

I've said this elsewhere. I'd like to win. But, since they all brew because of me, to some extent, even if I lose, I win.